Two vegans, one an old-timer and another newer to the scene, decided to launch a column to discuss all things vegan, including products, events, controversial topics, and the shelf life of rutabaga fondue (Norman really pushed it with this one, in Jeannine’s opinion).

N: How many vegans do you know?

J: At least 10.

N: How many are whack jobs?

J: All of them, except me. But definitely you.

N: I only appear eccentric because I’m the only normal person I know.

J: And how do you define normal?

N: Normal people eat normal food.

J: How do you define normal food?

N: It comes from dirt.

J: Sounds about right.

N: Many people are afraid of dirt. They think it is dirty.

J: Well, that is why I shower twice a day. I feel dirty.

N: That’s a waste of good dirt.

J: Truth is, I don’t think I’m really dirty, if you know what I mean.

N: Then it’s a waste of water.

J: Yes, I suppose you’re right. But damn, it feels good.

N: I wouldn’t know. I’m not in touch with my feelings.

J: Do you think plants have feelings?

N: I’ve never seen a plant laughing or crying.

J: Me neither, but people like to say that to vegans.

N: Do you plan meals?

J: Yes. Most recently, I’ve been writing out what I’m going to eat for every meal on a weekly basis. Do you?

N: No. Why do you plan meals?

J: So I can quickly grab meals when I’m on the go and save money by not eating out too much.

N: How many times did you eat out last week?

J: Twice. But in my defense, one time was treating you and the other time my mom treated me.

N: Vegans are so defensive!

J: Why would you say that?

N: I think they’re motivated by guilt.

J: Guilt has always ruled my world.